I am made of old motorcycle parts and scar tissue. I have a soft spot for small fluffy animals. I fall for women that burn my stuff when I leave them. Porn is boring, my life is not. Conan hates it when people talk about themselves in the third person. I have never seen a ninja...neither have you...no one has. Ever. That's kinda the point, if you've seen one, that's not a ninja. I have broken more bones than you have had birthdays. Making love is for frenchmen and old people, I'm Italian, Italians fuck. I hope to die while being eaten by a lion because then I'd get to punch a lion before I die. Stretchpants are the downfall of our society. I am a fan of home surgery involving a bubble bath, strong whiskey, and lots of swear words. My woman is a sexual predator but because she's tiny and cute and has big sad eyes like a small fluffy animal she gets away with shit that would have the rest of us locked up for life. I had my midlife crisis at 15. Women rule the world, they are just nice enough to let us think we are in charge. Men are only here to move furniture, open jars, and hold purses while they talk about us in the bathroom. Sex should involve bruises and limping the next day. I drink so much coffee I can see around corners. Scars on women are hot, scars I leave are hotter. Men should wear nice suits and drink expensive gin, these hipster douchebag fucks in their too tight pants and ironic trucker hats will be the first against the wall when I'm in charge. My woman is a lesbian, and she is turned on by tentacle porn. She keeps me around because I bring her coffee in the morning and for other food preparation needs. In college I majored in philosophy and checking the mail in the morning to find out where you were. Aristotle was an idiot. The Simpsons is genius. I hope to someday own a monkey and a jetpack.